Just when I thought the week has turned great for me, I found myself awake at 2 a.m., tapping my keyboard to write this blog post, waiting for my swollen eyes to subside from crying, and telling myself, “It’s OK if you don’t feel OK.”
My week had been super blessed because of so many things, the greatest of which was the fact that I was finally chosen as a fellow for poetry in English in a writing workshop. Read the full story here.
And Friday ended with so much joy as I spent time with some friends over dinner and chitchat. I even listened to a lot of beautiful and inspiring songs including one that will officially be released very soon. These things made me smile, laugh, and excitedly happy.
But when I hit the dorm, I felt like I was tormented again. On Facebook, I saw the face of my ex-boyfriend who was in a group photo of a mutual friend. I thought I already unfollowed and unfriended some people so that I wouldn’t be able to see his face again. But I guess I haven’t unfollowed and unfriended people enough for me to really move on. In that photo, he was there in my high school alma mater.
His small face with eyeglasses and that familiar grin sent flashbacks of what we planned to do once we would become official again. Because he said he would pursue me again. Because he said he’s ready to be my boyfriend again. Because he said… he said…
We planned to visit each others’ former schools. We already went to my college alma mater for the launch of its literary folio. I didn’t mention him in my Facebook post but he was there with me. He took my photos, we listened to the poems that were performed. He met my former poetry professor. He even ate the lunch that was prepared for all attendees. I toured him around the campus. I showed him my world when I was in college. I was excited to bring him to my high school alma mater next when it would have its grand alumni homecoming. I was also excited to visit his college alma mater. I only wondered when they would happen. Obviously, he was able to go to my high school alma mater but not with me.
Eventually, I realized, all of his other promises will never EVER happen anymore. Because he threw me like garbage again. FOR THE THIRD TIME. And I knew right then and there that I should REALLY let go and move on and forget about him, or else there might be a fourth or a fifth or a sixth time he would break his promises and my heart again. I didn’t want to appear stupid anymore. It was not love anymore, as I thought. It was clear stupidity.
But letting go and moving on has been grueling. It’s not that easy despite the clarity that ours was a relationship that really had to end and not continue anymore. Some days, I will be OK. Some days, the memories will seep in my mind and heart again and I will cry and get angry again. I’ve been keeping myself busy doing things and meeting new people. But here I am, after all the blessings and happiness of the week, crushed by all the hurt again just because of a photo of him.
God, I’m tired. This was my complaint to God in prayer as I cried my heart out. Just recently, my best friend and I talked about this. That it’s indeed OK to recognize our feelings, acknowledging them and not masking them with fake strength and courage. That it’s OK to cry when you feel like it. That it’s OK to not be OK.
I just changed my Facebook profile photo and my cover photo as well. And they depict the happy, smiling, and beautiful me. But the real me right now is the exact opposite. I’m not OK. I’ve been crying. I feel weak. I unfriended and unfollowed another set of people again because I’m really tired. I’m so tired of bumping to anyone and anything that would remind me of him. But at the same time, I’m sad because I had to also let go of people who mean so much to me. But I’m just really tired of being the one adjusting to situations. I’m just too damn tired.
And I realized, it’s OK. It’s totally OK to be like this. Because in this state, I can let God be God. I can let Him be my Father, who comforts His child with tantrums. I can be weak so He can be strong. I can be honest with myself so He can show me His pure honesty as well. He’s just there. He’s just here in me. He will never leave. He will do things for me. He will take charge. He will take over. Right now, ALL I HAVE TO DO IS STAY STILL.
As I end this post, I pray that whoever’s awake at this time and going through the same thing, may you all be assured that God understands what we feel. We can be totally honest with Him. We don’t have to hide anything. We don’t have to mask ourselves all the time. Because even before God was a God who we believe in and trust, He is, first and foremost, our Father. And we are His children. And He loves us first. Let’s run to Papa in our state.
He will never leave us until we get healed. He will never leave until we become the happy and beautiful profile pictures and cover photos that we aim to be. And forever, He will remain. That’s His assurance. These, too, shall pass.