He said, if only he had the money, he’d go with me to Ilocos. That meant spending time with me, and to finally meet my father. So it seemed he was already serious this time. But since he still didn’t have it, he said, soon. Soon we would travel together. Soon. Soon. Soon. (Just like how his surname is pronounced.) But I guess there’s no more soon to wait for.
He said, we’ll eat in this and that restaurant. Because we just loved to eat together. No matter how street or posh, we would go for the adventure. Because we want to be fat. Because we’re both thin.
He said, he loves me. That no matter what, it’s still me that he chooses. That he would pursue me again. We just had to wait for the perfect time. Because we were ex lovers. So we kept everything secret. No one knew about…
Our trip to Ayala Triangle, when we watched the movie, La La Land in SM Megamall and a reggae musical in Star Theater, when he bought me a palm on Palm Sunday Mass, when we ate at Lovecraft Food Park and Fariñas Ilocos Empanada, when he gave me a notebook to write on and two novels to read, when I lent him my Sony headphones so he could use it for his service in the music ministry, when I prayed for him so that he’d be accepted for his job application, when I endured the afternoon sun in Katipunan just so he could withdraw his money, eat his meal, and buy his introvert soap and laptop stickers.
He said he loves me. That he’s going to pursue me again. That he’s ready. That he would finally face my mother again. That… That… That…
Then, one day, he took everything back. He said he’s not ready yet. That I was at fault because I was rushing him, pressuring him…
That he would stop everything. That he would quit doing all these for me just like the first and the second time last year.
For the third time, he left me again hanging. He left me again with the falsest of hopes. He broke all his promises again.
What happened to all the things he said, the things he said he would do, the things he promised, the things he said?
Lies. He only said lies. He only said complaints about how his stomach aches or how he hates the heat or how he had to wait for me that long…
The gravity of my patience with him after all this time was the same with his impatience to me. After all the trust and love I poured on our seemingly better beginning, these were all that I got again — LIES.
I just wanted assurance. Clarity. I just wanted to know that I was not wasting my time again. I just wanted to know WHAT we really were. Because we were like a couple with no label. But I still trusted he would finally formalize it one day. Because he said so. I just wanted to follow up but he would always get irritated whenever I asked. What’s wrong with my questions? Didn’t I deserve clarity? Or is he really just one of what they call ninjas? Was I committing the same mistakes like last year? Was I just being treated like garbage again? Was I just a pastime again?
He said he would buy me that turtle stuffed toy in the same place where he bought his introvert soap and laptop stickers. He said he would give me the book that I wanted. He said he would watch me in my poetry events.
But they will not happen anymore.
Because for the third time, he left me again. Leaving me with nothing but lies. Why did he ever come back in the first place only to leave again like last time?
May God bless his balls. I think I have more of those than him.
And so I decided to really move forward this time. I’ve had enough. No more room for stupidity with this guy who’s not man enough. No more fourth time or fifth time. Erase ALL things and ALL people that will remind me of him and his lies.
I choose new things, new places, new people. New everything. But I choose the same loving God who never stops reminding me that above all the bravest love I had been fighting for has been HIS HIGHEST FORM OF LOVE NO ONE CAN EQUAL.
He said He will be there for me no matter what, even until the end of the ages.
He said He is close to the brokenhearted.
He said He will be my refuge and my strength.
He said He is Love.
He said He will supply all my needs.
He said He is the God who heals.
He said He is light.
And unlike this liar ninja guy, God is pure truth. He never lies. So I choose Him now. I choose Him to be with me as I truly move forward. To learn my lesson and to forget what needs to be forgotten.
To make myself whole and better again. To be the best version of myself.
New things, new places, new people might appear scary and out of my comfort zone (or OUR used-to-be comfort zone) but nonetheless, I choose all newness and all truth.
Because true success is indeed on the other side of fear. Tawid! Tawid na ako mula sa kanya. Papunta sa Kanya. (Cross! I’ll cross the road from him. Going to Him.) There is no better way than this.
Again, may God bless his balls. May God add to mine, well, figuratively. May God erase all lies and replace them with pure truth.