Holiday

Hi, friends! I began joining the 2017 November PAD Challenge wherein I will have to complete 30 poems for the whole month (that’s one poem per day) following the prompts given by Robert Lee Brewer of Writers Digest. Follow my poetry blog for my poetic attempts. 🙂 Let’s poem together! ❤

Poem With Me!

Eyes opened to screen light
11:44 was the registered time,
but the body remained idle
and the eyes closed once more.

Eyes opened again to light blue,
the hue of the wall on the left,
but this time, the body got up,
the eyes stared at the afternoon.

finishing a series of stories
to eat, chew, and swallow
until nothing’s left but crumbs
on the lips that never moved.

Hands thought the day was waste,
but eyes, body, and lips disagreed,
because after months of moving,
the holiday was rest.

~Krizelle R. Talladen
November 1, 2017

**This is my attempt to write a “New day poem” for Day 1 of 2017 November PAD Challenge of Writers Digest’s Robert Lee Brewer. If you want to join the challenge, just click here. Happy poeming!

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What Happens after ALBWW?

In my official poetry blog, I shared some of my sentiments one month after joining the 2nd Amelia Lapeña-Bonifacio Writers Workshop. Hope you get something from this, especially those who are struggling writers and poets. 🙂

Poem With Me!

Roughly one month after the 2nd Amelia Lapeña-Bonifacio Writers Workshop (ALBWW), I found myself here in front of my laptop, with only one poem revised from my originally submitted poems, and many more to revise and write. My goal is to finish at least a set of 31 poems by my birthday, December 16, 2017, and the end of this month reminded me that I’ve been slacking off. Now, I only have less than two months to hit my personal deadline. And instead of moping around like this, I should take advantage of the holiday and write. Write whatever. Even crap. Crap is better than nothing.

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And before I write, I first did some reading. As Julie Y. Daza once said, “To write, you have to read.”

Going Back to the Psalms

This morning, I was able to open my Bible again and read the Responsorial Psalm for the day…

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Super Sunday: Welcome to the World, Didache Youth!

Remembering the very first book launch I attended, in which I was one of the contributing authors. Thank God or this event and also for the people I was with. 🙂 #DidacheYouthPioneers

Perfume In A Turtle Shell

One week ago, another milestone in my writing life happened. Didache Youth, a daily Bible reflection guide for the Catholic youth was launched at the Manila International Book Fair 2015 held in SMX Convention Center, Pasay City. Fortunately and unfortunately, I couldn’t take home a copy because the stocks were sold out!!! Good thing, we had a picture together! 🙂

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One week has passed but my excitement is still here, my overflowing thanksgiving to God who gave me this writing talent is still burning. How in the world would a nervous participant of the Didache Youth Writers’ Workshop like me be a published book writer in just a couple of months?

When I attended the workshop in March, I just prayed that my reflection piece would be chosen. I was nervous because I thought of others better than me, other writers more capable in writing than me. But days after…

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I Said I Couldn’t. Until Philippians 4:13.

Creating my own choreography to my favorite songs has been one of my big weaknesses and frustrations in life. Yes, I’ve been a dancer since I was little, I’ve been part of a dance troupe in college for four school years, and I know I’ve led a group or two in their dance pieces but it has really been hard for me to create my own and express myself through dance if I wanted to.

What has been happening is that I’m good at learning the choreography of others. But I can learn faster if the one teaching is with me personally. It’s hard for me to learn dance steps just by watching a YouTube video. I once tried studying Matt Steffanina’s dance steps of “Sorry” by Justin Bieber but I really couldn’t follow and dance well. I just gave up.

Back to the Dance Floor

On September 9, after battling an emotional attack, I forced myself to go to a dance workshop. Thanks to an angel who pushed me to go despite what I was feeling. After attending that workshop, I felt the urge to dance again, to join more dance workshops, and maybe, just maybe try again to create my own steps to my favorite songs. When I came back to the dance studio, it felt like a “You have turned my mourning into dancing” (Psalm 30:11) moment for me.

Remembering My Life Verse

Just this Tuesday, due to the passionate request of my dorm mate and work colleague, I was able to finish creating my own choreography for a dance cut from the song “Shoutout to My Ex” by Little Mix. I really find this song empowering for ladies like me who just came from a breakup. Mind you, my dorm mate is not much of a dancer but she asked me to teach her so I did. And I’m so happy because she was able to learn the steps eventually. Very soon, we will upload our dance video. Watch out for that! 🙂

Tonight, I created another set of steps for a short portion of Sam Smith’s latest song “Too Good at Goodbyes.” I promise myself that I would polish and memorize them well so I could also share a video of it to everyone. Who knows? I might be conducting my dance workshop after these? Sounds cool? Yes!

I remember my life verse, Philippians 4:13 which says, “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.” It’s the one printed on my hoodie that I was wearing in my Facebook cover photo (see below).

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Photo by Rey de Guzman, Black hoodie from VERSES PH (facebook.com/VersesPH)

And that was also what I claimed in my previous post. That one day, this photo will not just be a cover photo but a true manifestation of myself.

Indeed, I can do all things.

Indeed, God won’t waste the talents He has given me.

Indeed, all I need to do is to use what I have and not compare myself with others.

Indeed, I can overcome the weakness that I thought was big enough to stop me from doing what I’ve been wishing to do.

Indeed, He has turned my mourning into dancing. ❤

I said I couldn’t. But hey, Philippians 4:13. I already created sets of choreography for two songs. And I believe it’s for His beautiful purpose. 🙂 I am excited for His surprises! Are you?

There are things that we thought we couldn’t do but if we just try and try, and let others support us, we can. Always. Because Philippians 4:13. It’s never about us. It’s always about what God can do through us. Who knows, we might just be the answer to someone’s prayer. ❤

Not OK? It’s OK.

Just when I thought the week has turned great for me, I found myself awake at 2 a.m., tapping my keyboard to write this blog post, waiting for my swollen eyes to subside from crying, and telling myself, “It’s OK if you don’t feel OK.”

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My week had been super blessed because of so many things, the greatest of which was the fact that I was finally chosen as a fellow for poetry in English in a writing workshop. Read the full story here.

And Friday ended with so much joy as I spent time with some friends over dinner and chitchat. I even listened to a lot of beautiful and inspiring songs including one that will officially be released very soon. These things made me smile, laugh, and excitedly happy.

But when I hit the dorm, I felt like I was tormented again. On Facebook, I saw the face of my ex-boyfriend who was in a group photo of a mutual friend. I thought I already unfollowed and unfriended some people so that I wouldn’t be able to see his face again. But I guess I haven’t unfollowed and unfriended people enough for me to really move on. In that photo, he was there in my high school alma mater.

His small face with eyeglasses and that familiar grin sent flashbacks of what we planned to do once we would become official again. Because he said he would pursue me again. Because he said he’s ready to be my boyfriend again. Because he said… he said…

We planned to visit each others’ former schools. We already went to my college alma mater for the launch of its literary folio. I didn’t mention him in my Facebook post but he was there with me. He took my photos, we listened to the poems that were performed. He met my former poetry professor. He even ate the lunch that was prepared for all attendees. I toured him around the campus. I showed him my world when I was in college. I was excited to bring him to my high school alma mater next when it would have its grand alumni homecoming. I was also excited to visit his college alma mater. I only wondered when they would happen. Obviously, he was able to go to my high school alma mater but not with me.

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Eventually, I realized, all of his other promises will never EVER happen anymore. Because he threw me like garbage again. FOR THE THIRD TIME. And I knew right then and there that I should REALLY let go and move on and forget about him, or else there might be a fourth or a fifth or a sixth time he would break his promises and my heart again. I didn’t want to appear stupid anymore. It was not love anymore, as I thought. It was clear stupidity.

But letting go and moving on has been grueling. It’s not that easy despite the clarity that ours was a relationship that really had to end and not continue anymore. Some days, I will be OK. Some days, the memories will seep in my mind and heart again and I will cry and get angry again. I’ve been keeping myself busy doing things and meeting new people. But here I am, after all the blessings and happiness of the week, crushed by all the hurt again just because of a photo of him.

God, I’m tired. This was my complaint to God in prayer as I cried my heart out. Just recently, my best friend and I talked about this. That it’s indeed OK to recognize our feelings, acknowledging them and not masking them with fake strength and courage. That it’s OK to cry when you feel like it. That it’s OK to not be OK.

I just changed my Facebook profile photo and my cover photo as well. And they depict the happy, smiling, and beautiful me. But the real me right now is the exact opposite. I’m not OK. I’ve been crying. I feel weak. I unfriended and unfollowed another set of people again because I’m really tired. I’m so tired of bumping to anyone and anything that would remind me of him. But at the same time, I’m sad because I had to also let go of people who mean so much to me. But I’m just really tired of being the one adjusting to situations. I’m just too damn tired.

And I realized, it’s OK. It’s totally OK to be like this. Because in this state, I can let God be God. I can let Him be my Father, who comforts His child with tantrums. I can be weak so He can be strong. I can be honest with myself so He can show me His pure honesty as well. He’s just there. He’s just here in me. He will never leave. He will do things for me. He will take charge. He will take over. Right now, ALL I HAVE TO DO IS STAY STILL.

As I end this post, I pray that whoever’s awake at this time and going through the same thing, may you all be assured that God understands what we feel. We can be totally honest with Him. We don’t have to hide anything. We don’t have to mask ourselves all the time. Because even before God was a God who we believe in and trust, He is, first and foremost, our Father. And we are His children. And He loves us first. Let’s run to Papa in our state.

He will never leave us until we get healed. He will never leave until we become the happy and beautiful profile pictures and cover photos that we aim to be. And forever, He will remain. That’s His assurance. These, too, shall pass.

 

 

Dear Self, I Am Proud of You

Dear Self,

Congratulations not just for surviving another month and week, but also for proving that you can endure, you can overcome, you can move forward. 

I am proud of you that when you wanted to meet the Lord at a prayer meeting, you didn’t hesitate to go even if you know that someone, who broke your heart and left you many times, was there. You were at your best prayer disposition like before. Thanks to your friends who were with you and who were happy to see you there. Indeed, you were at the happiest place on earth. The pain didn’t sting, it just made you joke around some people who teased you about him. You just laughed it out and they shared the laughter with you. 

I am proud of you that even without a companion, and even without him who promised that he’d watch you perform your poetry, you were able to go to events alone and meet new people who share the same interest. You didn’t have to try so hard to fit in. You’re being your true self. You’re tired of pleasing other people. 

And when finally more of your friends watched you poem, as if a window opened, showing you a new chapter of “might be’s” which you now enjoy, helping you move forward further more. 

I am proud that you’re smiling again, poeming again, singing again, dancing again, sharing your life to others again. Even if you keep on meeting people and going to places that could remind you of your broken heart, you’re not affected anymore. You can now embrace that part of you who likes music, poetry, art, and food among many things ever since, even before you got into your first relationship. Nothing and no one can stop you now to choose what you want to listen to, where you want to go, what you want to eat, what you want to do. But these things, you don’t have to do alone all the time. Allow others to show their sincere love, too. 

I am proud that you’re stronger now. You know now to give love without expectations. You know when to say “no” if you need to. You know how to face more of your fears instead of avoiding them. 

I am proud because you know better now. 

And I can’t help but thank God above all these. Because He knows best and He’s allowing things to happen to you for your improvement. Keep on following Him. Keep on walking on the path where He leads you. And one day, you’ll see, you’ll be completely free. 

Good job, Self! I am proud of you. You are worthy. You are enough.

I’ve Gone Hard

I’ve gone hard for good since June. 

One of the advices on moving on that I really give so much importance to now is getting rid of anything that will remind me of the guy who broke my heart thrice.

Fortunately and unfortunately, my favorite prayer book is affected by my moving on plan because I bought it hours before I said yes to be his girlfriend after our eight-month courtship. It was a paperback edition of Straight from the Heart. I even put there the date. June 18, 2014.

Of course, I didn’t want it to ruin my prayer time. So what I did was to buy a new one. But this time, I didn’t get the paperback edition. I bought the hardbound one. 

Yes, I’ve gone hard. 

And not only my new prayer book is hardbound, the color of its pages when closed from the sides is gold. Just like your classic hardbound novels from long time ago. 

Having this new hardbound prayer book made me realize that I, too, must become hard. Strong. Wise. Because I am more precious than gold. Because I am a creation of God who must be respected, cared for, and loved. I must be hard enough to guard my heart, protect myself from being hurt so much again, and to heal and love myself more. 

Having this prayer book reminds me every day that I can always count on prayer. Whenever I feel down and hurt, my conversations with God will be my rock, my refuge, and my strength. 

The face of my prayer book might have changed. But it’s the same loving God whom I pray to, no matter if I’m soft or hard. Surely, He will lead me to His best plans. ❤️